Good evening and welcome to Tucker Carlson Tonight. Have you ever noticed that there's not a single person in the entire overstaffed Biden administration whose job it is to announce good news? Not one. There's the now-familiar Office of Attacking the Middle Class. They're usually quite busy. There's the Department of New and Counterproductive Wars. Those people never sleep. And of course, there's the all powerful Directorate of Hysteria, which makes sure that every living American is terrified of something or other from breakfast till bed. But there is no good news office. That's something the Biden people never considered.

So yesterday, the administration seemed a little awkward, maybe even sheepish, when it announced the best news of all, which is that the COVID era has finally passed. For three years, the U.S. has lived under a permanent government-designated COVID emergency. At this point, looking backward, no one can agree on what the point of it was. Certainly nobody got any healthier, that's for sure. 

In any case, it's ending for good or bad. Technically, the emergency will continue on until May. This will allow the Biden administration to shovel a few more cargo planes full of tax dollars to its donors in the so-called health care industry. But that's it. Those are the last gasps of the Rona scare. We're done.

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And that means, above all, that we can finally get to the second and much more satisfying part of the program where we finally hold the people accountable who did what they just did to us. And first on that list would be Joe Biden. At this point, Biden has the functional IQ of office furniture, but his instinctive viciousness remains intact.

 So Biden, the second he got into office, wasted no time at all in blaming Americans for a virus that China created. And then in using the pandemic to pit neighbors against one another. It was the cruelest and most divisive thing any president has ever done to his own country. If you've forgotten what it looked like, here you go.

JOE BIDEN: I'm announcing that the Department of Labor is developing an emergency rule to require all employers with 100 or more employees that together employ over 80 million workers to ensure their workforces are fully vaccinated or show a negative test at least once a week. We're going to protect vaccinated workers from unvaccinated coworkers. We've been patient, but our patience is wearing thin. The last thing we need is Neanderthal thinking that "In the meantime, everything's fine. Take off your mask. Forget it." For unvaccinated, we are looking at a winter of severe illness and death. For unvaccinated, for themselves, their families and the hospitals they'll soon overwhelm.

Our patience is wearing thin, Americans. If you want to take an untested experimental mRNA shot from a company that has bought immunity from Congress against future lawsuits, you are a selfish Neanderthal. Worse, you're a killer. You're literally – literally – killing your own neighbors. The only good news is you will soon die yourself because you deserve it. That's what Joe Biden said. 

The president said that to his own people. And it was, of course, a lie. Leaving aside its potentially terrifying side effects, the shot did not work as advertised. Sorry, it just didn't. It did not prevent people from dying. It did not even prevent them from transmitting or getting COVID themselves. And that's why vaccinated people still wear masks.

Everyone knows this, but Joe Biden has never admitted any of it. Nor has the federal government rehired the thousands of good people, really the best people, the Navy SEALs, the nurses, the EMTs, the firemen, the airline pilots, the people who were fired from their jobs for making what turned out to be a pretty solid medical decision. By the way, no one's ever explained why it was immoral somehow to treat COVID before patients wound up on respirators. Why? What was so bad about ivermectin and monoclonal antibody therapy? We still don't know.

The administration still won't tell us where the virus came from, though obviously they know the answer. But now is the time to find out. We need a truth and reconciliation commission to get to the bottom of what we just lived through. And let's hope we get one very soon.

But in the meantime, this being Washington, the end of COVID, the end of the emergency, poses a much more immediate political problem for the people in charge. The Democratic Party can't govern the country without emergencies. If the public is ever allowed to calm down long enough to think clearly, uncomfortable questions might emerge. Wait a second. If my kid can't get into a good college or work in a big company because he's white, how is this systemic racism thing real? And if it is real, why can't I just change my race like all those people on TV are always changing their sex just by wishing it so? What's the answer? Can you imagine if people started asking questions like that? That would be bad. It would be a disaster.

So clearly, the Democratic Party needs a new emergency, at least until we start sending ground troops to Ukraine and the population becomes suitably hysterical again. So because they need an emergency, they found one. And the new emergency turns out to be the old emergency, which is White racism. 

Now, unfortunately for the Democratic Party, white racism is one commodity, like cedar boards, that's getting harder to find. Very few unarmed Black men are killed by white cops these days. Where's George Floyd when you need him? So instead, in a pinch, they've settled for an unarmed Black man killed by Black cops, which they've informed us nevertheless, despite all appearances, is still the product of White racism.

And Barack Obama enthusiastically agrees. This is Barack Obama's lane. He was elected President twice on this kind of stuff, so he immediately jumped into the middle of the Memphis tragedy to remind us that white middle class Republicans did this. Blood is on their hands. Selma, Dr. King, Rodney King, Trayvon Martin. They're all the fruit of white supremacy. It's true. And as Obama explained on Twitter, you can learn a lot more about how it's true on his website.

Okay. So we decided to go there. We went to the Obama Foundation website today, and there we found an entire section on how we have to continue to defund the police. Yes, people are still saying it.

"Cities like Los Angeles, Baltimore and Philadelphia have reduced their budgets for their police departments," the Obama Foundation explained without laughing. "These cuts made funding more available for other elements of public safety, like affordable housing." Right, because affordable housing is public safety. Unless that affordable housing is in Chicago or Baltimore, in which case you're likely to be killed. But whatever.

The point is, take three steps back. Barack Obama, the former president, is weighing in directly on America's latest fake hate crime. And you have to wonder why. He's not doing it for himself. Obama is retired at this point. He's living on Martha's Vineyard with all the other rich white people. He's doing it for his wife. His wife who's never had a real job and apparently is feeling kind of restless, approaching 60. And that's why you may have noticed that six years after leaving Washington, Michelle Obama is back in the news. She's got a new book and a media tour and even a federally funded hiking trail named for herself in Atlanta.

Why has she emerged in this way? Well, there might be a reason. In fact, if you didn't know any better, if you were visiting this country from a foreign land trying to figure out what's going on in the U.S., you might mistake what Michelle Obama is doing right now for the beginnings of a presidential campaign. So first, you have a manufactured white racism panic. That's a clue. 

But the clincher is menopause. Unlike every other woman over 50 and all human history, Michelle Obama, we're sad to tell you, has menopause. It's not clear where she got it. Maybe there was an outbreak in Edgartown. But it's bad. 

At one point, Michelle Obama gained up to six pounds. You don't know how much she suffered. Let's put it this way. Bataan Death March survivors, she laughs at you. You can't fathom her pain. Watch her talk about it on TV.

MICHELLE OBAMA: I am still physically active and my goal now, instead of having Michelle Obama arms, I just want to keep moving. Just keep moving. If I can walk, move. I don't have to run. I don't have to beat everyone. So I've had to change the way I see myself in it in my health space. I never used to weigh myself. I'm not trying to stick to numbers, but when you're in menopause, you have this slow creep.

You have this slow creep. And no, she's not talking about Joe Biden here, who is technically one of the slowest creeps in America. She's talking about her own thighs. Now, why is Michelle Obama telling you about her menopausal thighs on a TV show? Possibly because she's a crazed narcissist who thinks her own thighs are interesting to you. And that's, of course, true.

But there may be other reasons. Consider that today's Washington Post expressed deep dissatisfaction with Joe Biden's current heir, Kamala Harris. Now, Harris is a woman who cannot even consistently pronounce her own first name, and she might not be, as the Post suggests, up for the job of leading this country. And we're quoting, "Some Democrats are worried about Harris's political prospects," the paper says. They're worried she may not have the, quote, "political skills to win a national race." 

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Whoa, wait a second, pale colonizer. Kamala Harris doesn't have skills? Isn't that racist? Well, as The Post reports, yes, it is. Quote, "Some party members fear that Americans are simply not willing to elect a woman of color as President, especially given the racism and sexism they see emerging in recent years." Yeah, because there's more now.

So here's the problem for the Democratic Party. The current vice president is totally incompetent and universally loathed by everyone, including her staff and possibly her husband, who literally kissed her with a mask on. We're not judging, but you can see it for yourself. So you don't want her. But you can't just ditch or for a white dude. Sorry, that's not equity. So where do you go from here? Ooh, good question. And it turns out it's a question that Michelle Obama seems to have been thinking about recently. Here she is this fall, considering the matter of whether her elderly old servant - sorry, her dear, dear friend - Joe Biden, should grace this country with yet another term as president. Watch.

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MICHELLE OBAMA: It's a tough job and I think that he's doing the best he can under some tough circumstances.

ROBIN ROBERTS: Do you hope that President Biden will run again in 2024?

MICHELLE OBAMA: You know, I will have to see. It's you know, the reason I don't speak on that is because I know what it feels like to be on the other side of it. And I think that that's a personal decision. I don't want to be one of the millions of people weighing in on what he should do.

He's doing – a pause here – "the best he can." As to whether he runs again, Michelle Obama is going to have to – much longer pause here, accompanied by a wearied sigh – she's going to have to "have to see" about Joe Biden. "Have to see." 

The question is, will the rest of us have to see a whole lot more of Michelle Obama in the next two years?